I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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