I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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