I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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