Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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