Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
