my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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