While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
