i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
