i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
