so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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