I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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