You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
