how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
