Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
