My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
