walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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