we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
