The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
can u get pink eye on your cock?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
