I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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