i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
