I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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