I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
