This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize