this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
