i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
