you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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