when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
