I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
