I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My vagina is officially offended.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
