can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Every concussion has its silver lining
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
