So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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