Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
