Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The uberlube is also flammable
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
