I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
