I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
