I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
