My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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