so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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