New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
