I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
