if you like me you must not know who I am
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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