hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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