Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
