boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
