Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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