yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
