Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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