The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
