last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
