Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
