so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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