Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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