i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
