3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Don't tell me you're on acid again
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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