I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
