Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
