K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
