Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
