I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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