Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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